Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Bad Day

Today is... not a good day. It should be. I've finalized some contracts for freelance work. I've been on the phone with a new client talking about not only this current project but future work. I have paying clients. As a freelancer, I really ought to be very happy.

But I'm not. I have work to do today and haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I will. I'll force myself eventually. But for now, I keep watching television and telling myself I have things I need to be doing. The positive is: I've managed to finally admit to myself something I've been denying. It was easy to deny -- at first because of the sheer shock of being let go -- and later simply because keeping busy allowed me to keep it at bay. But the truth is, I'm depressed. And I'm angry. And the deeper, harder truth is, I have been this entire time. And the brave mask I've been putting on to lie to myself hasn't been any lighter for all that I've failed to notice it.

Truth is, I'm tired. I'm depressed and angry, and I'm tired of telling myself I'm not. It's shown up here and there. Little hints. Looking through the want ads and seeing jobs I've had and am perfectly capable of performing... and not being able to hit the "apply" button because part of me simply can't go back there. I don't want to work in retail again, or direct sales, or on a factory floor. I could. They're all good jobs, with great people working them. Probably even good companies to work for. But I can't. Because, the thing is, I want my job back.

That's what it comes down to. That's the depression and the anger I can't quite seem to shake: I want my old life back. The fact is, I've had dreams in which my boss came to see me, told me it was all a mistake, and that they needed me again, and I woke up happy at first, and then miserable, because I knew it could never happen that way.

But if it did.

The sad truth is, in spite of the anger, in spite of the confusion and hurt that came with my firing, if they called me and asked me back, I'd return in a second. I've said before I loved my job, and I did. I loved the people I worked with. I loved my listeners. I loved waking people up in the morning and being part of their day and knowing I was adding something to their lives. I loved it, and I miss it. 

And it still hurts. And it still makes me angry. And depressed. And now that I understand it, I hope like hell it goes away again soon.


  1. I hear you loud and clear, Randy. The mourning process is clearly at work in your heart, and looking the reality of depression in the face is a good, though painful, thing.

    Its very likely that depression keeps you watching TV and not hitting "Apply." It's a paralyzing agent. But I'm encouraged for you that you are still able to line up the freelance work and potentially expand your world, using your talents.

    I don't have any advice for you, since such a thing would be pretty ridiculous to give from over here. But I do pray the Lord will bear you through your period of mourning, which is totally justified over losing a job you loved.

  2. I've been there, Randy. I know it doesn't really help to know you're not the only one this has happened to; that you're not alone. But as the Preacher said, "there's nothing new under the sun." The good news is that you have the support of your wife, children, and extended family. And that God knows the depth of your pain and is not surprised or hurt by your anger. Sure, it sounds pretty hollow right now, but the good news is real.

  3. Appreciate your honesty Randy, ....praying for you.

  4. Hey man, I know where your at... In some ways I'm where your at...If you ever need to call and complain ... you know where to find me.