Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Zombie Awareness Month Zombiethon 5: Severed: Forest of the Dead

This awesome severed zombie head
is nowhere in the movie. Or else it was
merely covered by a steaming pile
of suck.
Severed: Forest of the Dead (abridged) (Warning, spoilers. Or something.)

Fade up:
EXT. The Woods

HIPPIES: Hey, we believe in saving trees! We'll even sabotage the operation in a way that could possible maim or kill one of these evil Lumberjacks!  Because who cares about Lumberjacks! And let's chain ourselves to trees, too!  Yeah!!!

LUMBERJACKS: Move outta the way, you stupid people who are in our waaaaAAAARRRRGH! Curse you hippies and your tree sabotage! My chainsaw just bounced off the spike in this tree and made a lot of blood with no discernible wound!

INT. Cold, Corporate Office of Evil Lumber Corp. Ltd.

SUITS: Blah blah blah, bottom line! Because using the phrase, "Bottom Line," will key the audience into our Corporate Greed! Money is awesome! Greed!

WRITERS: Eat that, Romero! We've got trees in our social commentary! TREES!

Back to:
EXT. The Woods

TREE: You gave us a growth hormone and then chopped us down. We're going to seep hormone into that dude who cut his shoulder with the chainsaw and turn him into a zombie!!

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?

WRITERS: Shhhh. Suspension of disbelief!

AUDIENCE: I don't think it works that way, dude.

DIRECTOR: Look! A pretty hippie girl!


Cut to:
INT. Office

SUITS: We haven't heard from the lumber camp? I wonder if they're okay? Who cares! Why have our meat puppets stopped working?! Also, Greed!

CEO: Go out there, Son. I trust you.

SON: No.


SON: Whatever.

Cut to:
EXT. Woods

SON: I want to be an artist, or a sociologist or something, but am weak-willed and simply doing what my Dad wants me to do by seeing what's wrong in the woods.

LUMBERJACKS: Oh, look. The boss sent his son. He totally cares and whatnot.

SON: Yeah, about why you're not WORKING.

LUMBERJACKS: Boo, Corporate Greed!

WRITERS: Yeah! BOO, Corporate Greed!

AUDIENCE: Whatever. That chainsaw thing was cool. Can we see more of that?

HIPPIES: It has suddenly occurred to us that chaining ourselves to these trees was really stupid.


AUDIENCE: Wait -- it's been HOW LONG? And the zombies have just now noticed this tasty and completely immobile snack?!

WRITERS: We needed it for the emotion! EMOTION!

DIRECTOR: Hey, Zombies! Er, Eat the hippies!


HIPPIE GIRL: I'm very sad, because my hippie boyfriend was eaten for lunch.

Cut to:

CEO: My son is out there! I've grown a conscience!

SUIT: Quarantine the woods, or you lose your job!

CEO: Nevermind. It was just gas.


Cut to:

LUMBERJACKS: Hey! How did the Gate to the only road out get locked?!

AUDIENCE: Yeah... didn't they, like, JUST decide to do that?

LUMBERJACKS: We've suddenly remembered, there's totally another way out of here, at the other camp!

HIPPIE GIRL: Where's that?

LUMBERJACKS: Right around this next montage!


EXT. Woods. But different woods, because they're at the next camp!  There is a helicopter!

LUMBERJACKS: Hey, helicopter! Take us with you!

HELICOPTER: No! Instead, I think I'll shoot at you to establish how isolated you are, and what bad people the SUITS are, and then fly away and have nothing else to do with this movie at all!

AUDIENCE: Take us with you!!!!

See, you can tell he's a bad guy, because he's ARMED.
Social. Commentary.
MEN with GUNS arrive.

MEN: We're lumberjacks from the next camp! The other surviving lumberjacks are surprised to see us, are they not?!

LUMBERJACKS: Yes. Because even though we all have trucks, we all know our way around this one road that apparently exists on this island, and it's really not that big, we never, EVER come over here!

WRITERS: We're SO dramatic!!!

MEN: Also, we are vaguely menacing!

HIPPIE GIRL: Even though I've been hanging out with you guys for a while, it has only suddenly occurred to me that I'm totally the only girl!

SON: I'll protect you!

HIPPIE GIRL: Even though I am a vegan, liberal feminist, I would really appreciate that. Thank you.

SON: You wanna make out?

HIPPIE GIRL: Well, I mean, I just watched my boyfriend get turned into a zombie and then beheaded, but sure!

MEN: We're going to show how evil we are by making fun of a dude with a stutter, shooting zombies for sport, and then shooting the stuttering guy who has randomly started quoting the Bible!

EXT. WOODS, Night.

GUY, formerly working with the LUMBERJACKS, decides to be a coward, and kind of a douche, and lets zombies into the camp.




SON: Hey, that GUY is being surrounded by zombies!

HIPPIE GIRL: We can't do anything for him, because there's, like, 10 of them. Plus he's kind of a douche.

SON: I must run into that growing horde of zombies, even though they are merely seconds away from eating the Guy!

HIPPIE GIRL: NO! I don't know why, but apparently I Need you to survive!

SON: No you don't! I'm not that bright!

HIPPIE GIRL: Noooooooooooo

WRITERS: Look, he sacrificed himself for the bad guy, but they both got eaten pretty much right away! How poignant is that!

AUDIENCE: Is that what poignant means? I always thought it meant something OTHER than stupid.

DIRECTOR: It's not stupid! It's awesome. And poignant!

AUDIENCE: It's really not.

HIPPIE GIRL: Seriously. Dumber than a sack of hammers.


AUDIENCE:  Damn you, HELICOPTER! If you weren't going to take us with you, you could have at least shot us!


(Here's a kinder, very well-written, and more or less dead-on review I found while Googling)

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